Promise keepers
by EveryMomentMarked
Summary: He broke his promise to me. The heart I carried with me now hadn't changed: wolves still called to it, and it still answered. Oneshot. Bella/cullens, Bella/Jacob at heart


PROMISE KEEPERS

When had it changed between us?

Or, to put it more correctly, when had I changed?

I was always, always surprised when he asked that because he knew. He knew. He knew, because _he_ was the one who changed me: from Bella Swan to Bella the swan – all icy grace and hissing anger. And thirsty. Those first few ….months, was it, I was insatiably hungry. Every molecule in me hummed with it. I thought I would be repulsed by my first drink, but I had been resisting for too long. Long days. So at first, the feeding was a necessary relief, then it became acceptable, then enjoyable, then routine. Drinking the thing that used to cause me to swoon into the arms of the nearest non-bleeding person actually became a secondary pre-occupation. Vampire venom at least transformed that much.

The thirst I knew how to satisfy. I wasn't prepared for all the other vampire-enhanced senses; I had no answers for those needs. I tried filling them with Edward, and running, and music and sunrise and sunset and every second in between. Edward. I filled myself with _Edward_ in every way imaginable – and then some.

And still – impossibly, I thought – there was something left unfilled.

Edward had told me, before I was bitten, that vampires mated for life. Vampire love, he said, was eternal, unending, boundless – before he ran out of words or clichés to describe it. I told him that I knew that sort of love already. I told him I loved him like that. He chuckled softly and gave my hand a pat, like you would do to a child, _You__'__ll__ see,__ Bella,__ love.__ You__'__ll__ see._

He sported a mischievous grin as he continued, offhand, _It__ was__ never __fair, __I__ suppose._ _Your__ little__ human__ heart __stood__ no__ chance__ against __a __dazzling __love __like __that._

I was angry at that patronising tone. I did bristle at his easy dismissal of the entirety of my human love. I did attempt to smack his arm in retaliation, but Edward grabbed my hand well before it could connect with flawless marble. Twining my fingers with his he looked at me from beneath lowered lashes, _I__ would __never__ forgive __myself __if__ I__ allowed__ you__ to__ break__ your__ hand__ on __me._

Any protest I was going to utter was silenced by Edward's mouth moving tenderly over each of my fingers in turn. And secretly, I was awestruck at the thought of loving Edward more. I wanted to see, so badly. I grabbed hold of that promise and wrapped myself in it, breathing in the warmth and holding onto that in the face of the coming winter.

So why was there even one tiny millimeter of my frozen heart that was not glittering like a thousand diamonds? Why was it still a rich russet-brown color? Why was it so hot? Why did it smell like rain and forest and the sea?

He broke his promise to me.

I was supposed to forget.

Carlisle had promised sagely that venom would fix the broken parts. Edward believed him because, well, because he was Carlisle;and because he had seen it himself in Esme, Rosalie, Emmett. But Edward hadn't been paying enough attention and heard what he wanted, despite his acute vampire hearing. I only had human senses, so, of course, I missed it, too. Hindsight, they say, is 20/20 vision. So I was fixed. I was fixed into Eternity. The broken parts were put back together, yes, but they weren't changed. Not even vampire venom could accomplish that.

The heart I carried with me now hadn't changed: wolves still called to it, and it still answered.

_Sometimes __we __don__'__t__ know __what __it__ is __we__ need,__ until__ we __have __it_, she said, her voice tinted with gratitude as she looked over at Carlisle. Esme thought I was lucky to have conviction on my side prior to the event. And later, Esme told me to give myself time. _Time_, she promised, _can__ color __things__ the __right__ shade,__ you__'__ll __see_. All it did was to color every fading memory I had of my human life a ruddy brown, like blood mixed with saltwater. Only much later did she admit to me that time does not erase, not for a vampire. In her eyes, I thought I saw the reflection of dying waves.

Emmett ribbed Edward and said it was so hot when the women went after the men. Edward winked at me and grinned broadly. When he found out I was a virgin, to my utter embarrassment, Emmett whooped like he was at a rodeo and promised it was going to be incredible. Edward tackled him to the ground for embarrassing me, apologizing to me that he had not done so the moment he heard the thoughts, but he didn't think Emmett would actually say them. But instead of an apology, as Edward insisted, Emmett only continued, gasping out between all the jostling:

_You__'__ll __see,__ Bella,__ getting__ it__ on__ vampire-style_, he grinned like the Cheshire cat, _is__ like __nothing__ else__ exists__ on __earth.__Just__ you__ and __her__…_

Moments later, Edward exhaled loudly and gave up, shaking his head. Emmett disappeared into another room, then he and Rosalie disappeared into the woods. He was almost right. Between Edward and I there was no-one else, except for a tiny, wooden wolf biting into my marble-smooth wrist.

At first, Edward didn't mind that I continued to wear the bracelet. He thought it would be cruel to obliterate every token I had of my human life. I loved him for that kindness. But, as I continued to wear it, and it never wore down, yet we started to wear at the edges, I could see the darkening in his thoughts. Wolf-shaped shadows bounced behind his eyes and he finally asked me to take it off.

_But,__ the__ diamond __from__ you__ is__ still__ on __there_, I protested.

Which he smoothly deflected: _We__ can __get __that__ set __into__ another __piece__ of__ jewellery.__ It__ would__ probably __fare __better__ set__ as__ a__ pendant,__ anyway,__ instead __of__ getting__ bumped__ around__ on__ your__ wrist._

_But I like it there, and diamonds are supposed to be one of the hardest substances on earth – surely it's not going to get hurt where it is._

_Diamonds __may __be__ hard,__ Bella,__ but__ they__ are __not __indestructible_, he snapped, _I__ thought__ you__'__d__ tire__ of__ that__ trinket__ after __all __this __time_. Then, in softest velvet, _Please,__ Bella,__ can__'__t __you __put__ it__ away__ now?_

I had chosen Edward. It wasn't right to punish him for it. I sighed and smiling limply, I took it off. My motions were flawless, but inside, my hand was trembling. I stashed the bracelet (minus the dazzling diamond heart) in a tiny box that already contained some sand and a fragment of driftwood from La Push. The smell of salt and sea, underwritten with bitter notes, was like the sound of waves in an empty seashell: it was like an imprint of something long-gone. Potent.

When a curious Edward caught me staring into my keepsake one day, I instantly defended _Well, I didn't want to remember Forks for the rain._

_Yes, but how often did you go to the beach? You did, however, get wet in the rain a lot,_ he replied, bemused.

It was obvious at that moment just how blank my mind was to him, flooded as it was with memories of many visits to the beach.

I became grateful that I had my shield. Edward became adept at reading the surface, though he never could see quite past that to the blue depths. And now, when I dove into it, it wasn't Edward's apparition I was conjuring to life. In time, I think Edward's wistfulness that my mind could always be laid bare to him wore away, too. I was ashamed for that. I broke my promise to him. I think he knew that.

Alice. Our little Alice, who tended to our futures like they were her rose garden: pruning and shaping and ever-vigilant for pests that would endanger its health. She saw nothing but roses for Edward and me. That's what she promised me. But she saw that shower of blood-red petals before my transformation. She didn't spend much time looking for us after the fact. Alice knew the limitations of future-gazing as much as I did. But, we were sisters, Alice and I, in a way that she and Rosalie never were. I guessed they never would have been if it weren't for a common taste for blood and never-ending life. For Alice, it's too long a life to be lonely. For someone who saw futures, we certainly never accused Alice of letting it simply wash her away.

Despite every horrible thing Jasper had been through in his lives, both human and undying, he was at heart a Southern gentleman. If my conflicted heart was seeping through my wintered skin he never acknowledged it out loud. And he left it untouched, unsoothed. We didn't spend very much time together, although he promised one day we might. It was the sort of promise we both knew was better left empty. On occasion though, I thought I caught his golden eyes focused a little to intently on Edward. But just for a moment.

Rosalie voted 'no', but she never explained how it could work any other way, because it couldn't.

_What are you giving up, Bella? You'll have far too long to think about that, I promise you__,_ she said, looking straight into me with crimson eyes, and then past me into another night altogether. I remember thinking not what I was giving up, but what I was gaining. And I couldn't wait to spend far too long basking in it. In the end, however, Rosalie loved Edward. He was family and family would be protected. And when family included me, she didn't let me down: Rosalie didn't make me many promises but she kept every one of them.

Jacob had promised me he wouldn't hurt me, that he would not cut me in half, that he would remain my friend, that he would wait for me. I suppose I hadn't truly understood that those promises were made to a girl with a beating heart and a tendency to trip over her own feet. That girl died. And when she did, he scattered his promises about her feet like dead leaves fallen from the trees as winter comes.

Jacob Black promised that girl she would love him.

And I do.

From far away, for far too long and always in winter.


End file.
